Swindon is not a city that does things by halves. It has five roundabouts in one spot, a magic one no less, which tells you all you need to know about how things work round here. And like the roundabouts, the world of Swindon taxis follows its own strange logic.
There are rules. Not official ones. Not the sort you see on signs. But the kind every local knows without being told. They’re passed down in pub chats, whispered in kebab queues, and discovered—often too late—when standing outside in the rain wondering where your taxi went.
So, if you ever find yourself in Swindon (and if you’re reading this, you probably are), here are the 7 unwritten rules of getting a taxi. Break them at your own risk.
- The Taxi Will Always Arrive When You’re in the Toilet
You could be sitting by the door for 20 minutes, shoes on, coat zipped, eyes glued to your phone. Nothing. The moment you decide to nip to the loo? The driver arrives. And phones. And leaves.
The universe knows. Swindon taxi cabs follow that law like gravity.
- If You Say “I’m Just Round the Corner,” You’d Better Be
Drivers are many things. Punctual. Patient. Tired of “Free Bird” on late-night radio. But they are not fans of lies.
If you say, “I’ll be one minute,” and then appear seven minutes later, brushing your hair and carrying three bags and a trumpet case, you will feel the silent judgement radiating from the front seat.
And the meter, dear reader, will have no mercy.
- Roundabouts Have Rules. So Do Taxi Ranks.
Just like you don’t turn right on the Magic Roundabout without consulting a higher power, you don’t skip the queue at a taxi rank. It’s not written down, but you’ll feel the heat of 20 eyes boring into your back if you try it.
Especially outside the station on a Saturday night. That queue has structure. History. A pecking order. Upset it, and you’re on your own.
- Drunk Maths Is Not Real Maths
At 1am, after two double vodkas and a shot someone claimed was “blueberry tequila,” your brain will attempt what’s known as drunk taxi maths.
This includes:
- “It’s only 10 minutes away, should be a fiver.”
- “Let’s just share, it’ll be cheaper.”
- “If we go via Steve’s, then Claire’s, then drop me last, that’s fair.”
It’s not. The meter will laugh. The driver will nod silently and know full well he’s making £18.40 out of this confusion.
- Never Assume the Driver Doesn’t Hear You
This is not just a rule. It is survival advice.
You may think the driver is zoned out, focused on traffic. You may lower your voice to talk about your date, your mother-in-law, or that bloke from work who always smells faintly of vinegar.
But that little mirror isn’t just for reversing. That mirror is watching. And the ears that go with it have heard everything.
Some drivers even have memories like elephants. You’ve been warned.
- The Back Seat is Not a Soundproof Booth
People say things in the back seat they wouldn’t shout in a pub. Secrets. Confessions. Plans for future crimes (mostly involving glitter and questionable fancy dress).
And when they get out, they sometimes leave things behind. Phones. Wallets. One time, a single pink high heel and a copy of Pride and Prejudice with pages missing.
If the back seat could talk, it would probably need counselling. And maybe disinfecting.
- Every Driver Knows More Than Google Maps
Your phone might say the fastest route is straight through town. Your driver knows that way has six temporary traffic lights and a pothole big enough to swallow a Ford Fiesta.
Trust them. They’ve seen Swindon at rush hour. They’ve survived roadworks, half-marathons, and that cursed week when every traffic light turned red out of spite.
And if they say “we’ll go the back way,” just nod. It’ll save you time and possibly your sanity.
And a Bonus Rule: Don’t Be a Muppet
You don’t need to tip a fortune. Just be polite. Don’t slam the door. Say thanks. And if your driver tells you a story about the time he gave a lift to someone who once met Tom Jones’s cousin’s dog groomer, just smile.
You’ll miss these chats one day.
Because Swindon taxis aren’t just about getting from A to B. They’re about the bit in between. The strange, the funny, the frustrating, and the oddly comforting space where someone else takes the wheel and, for once, you don’t have to.
Just don’t forget to check the seat before you leave.
Or we’ll add you to the list of people who lost a shoe and never came back for it.
